in media res

A little more S&M.

I bought a sweater on discount at H&M Orlando a few weeks ago, and when I arrived home I realized that the counter clerk hadn’t removed its anti-theft sensor. As I’ve found out since, this kind of thing is commonplace at H&M, so much so that the company has a stock form for such occasions.

Uh, a ring-ring:

“Oh, were you [one of the one-in-four] today whose tags weren’t removed correctly at the store visit? Give us your email and we can send you a form for the tag-removal that you can box with the item and return to us so we can remove the label for you and send it back to you at no cost to you.”

“So, wait, you actually have a form for such occasions? Doesn’t that tell you that you have a problem with your in-store procedures?”

“We high have a purchase volume, so these things happen, you understand.”

“Enough that you need a form, obviously. And do you provide the box in which the item ships via email as well?”

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry, along with not having my sensor removed that day, I think I might have been one of those few people who didn’t receive a ‘just-in-case-you-decide-to-return-it-via-the-post’ boxes, you know, in such events as this.”

“Oh. Well, you’ll need to provide your own box. But we will very gladly cover the costs of your shipping through FedEx and even provide you a label…”

“Oh, wow! Has FedEx changed its rules on allowable shipping containers?”

“What?”

“I didn’t know that you could just slap a label on a sweater and they would accept and ship it. Think of the possibilities, of all the cardboard and envelopes I can save in the futu…”

“Oh, no, I said you have to provide your own box and we…”

“Do you think I’m made of boxes?”

“Sir?”

“I mean, do you think you’re speaking with a creature made entirely out of corrugated cardboard boxes, large and small, into the shape of man? Because I promise you I’m made of flesh and bone, like you probably are. Wait. Are you made of cardboard boxes?”

“Sir, please.”

“No, all jokes aside. You’ll need to send a box, too, whichever box you have for such occasions as these. In fact, send three. I think I’m going to visit your store again next week and make the same mistake a couple more times.”

“Well, we definitely appreciate your business.”

And that’s definitely why I’m not going back to H&M anytime soon.

Or Orlando.

Because people terrify me.